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Only Sin Deep (1.4)
What’s It About?
A cute hooker (Lea Thompson) sells her beauty for fancy clothes and jewelry, only to learn too late that no one likes an ugly bitch, no matter what she’s wearing.
Who’s Responsible?
Directed by Howard Deutch, fine auteur behind such films as Grumpier Old Men, The Odd Couple II, and The Whole Ten Yards; three worthy responses to Sir Richard Dickson’s question “When is a film unnecessary?”. To be fair, he also directed to Pretty in Pink, Some Kind of Wonderful, and The Great Outdoors, all which have their defenders.
The episode was written by Fred Dekker, writer/director of Night of the Creeps and Monster Squad. He also wrote 5 episodes of Crypt, including previous Season 1 episode “All Through The House”.
How Is It?
In the museum of terrible accents, there’s an exhibit dedicated to Lea Thompson’s character. It’s right down the hall from the Kevin Costner wing. If you’re having trouble imagining Lea Thompson as a tough street-wise hooker, pouting her lips and talking in a fake husky voice, it’s because she’s terribly miscast. I can only imagine she was given the role because her and Deutch got along on the set of Some Kind of Wonderful (he even directed a handful of Caroline in the City episodes, natch) but a bad choice is a bad choice.
Lea plays the bluntly named “Slyvia Vane”, a prostitute who tries to pawn the jewelry of a pimp she just murdered (not her pimp, just a pimp) only to be offered a lot more to sell her beauty. Figuring the broker is a loony, she takes him up on his offer and proceeds to spend the money in a shopping montage only the director of the world’s most famous prom movie could pull off. Our street-walker, now a high class call girl, crashes a fancy rich people party and tries to seduce the WASPiest guy she can find. Let’s call him Roy Stalin. After trading some of the worst innuendos ever, she slaps Roy, making him instantly fall in love with her. Amour Fou.
We flash-forward to four months later, Slyvia’s now living with Mr. Stalin and beginning to notice that her looks are fading. She looks like [INSERT CELEBRITY WITH BAD PLASTIC SURGERY HERE] or something! The loony old man was telling the truth! She tries to buy back her looks, but she arrives a day after the four month time limit. With interest, she now owes him One Hundred Thousand Dollars. She springs into action and raids Roy’s apartment of all the jewelry he bought her, gratuitously snarling at her image in the mirror and throwing potted plants at the wall. Then she murders Roy for calling the police after he doesn’t recognize her. Like, really gleefully murders him. I think she fills him with a baker’s dozen of bullets. I’m saying, she’s Nicholson, he’s Palance, and Danny Elfman’s cranking out a circus waltz.
She returns to the broker to find he’s been using her beauty along with some crazy voodoo shit to keep his dead wife good-looking forever. What a waste. She demands her looks back until he points out a newspaper that shows that she’s now wanted for murder, and, in a classic ironic twist, she can only retain her anonymity by staying ugly.
How Is IT?
Some of the acting is terrible, but it made an entire generation afraid of clowns, so there’s got to be something there.
Woman Hate: Yes or No?
Oh yeah. There’s not a single female character that isn’t some sort of whore, there’s the gold-digging, the gleeful murder, there’s even a scene where a cop calls her a “classic dumb broad” for leaving the murder weapon with fingerprints on the floor.
Also Worth Noting:
*The pimp she killed later went on to be a lighting technician for 22 episodes of Caroline In The City. I wonder if Lea Thompson ever knew that.
*Burke Byrnes, who plays the cop, makes this face:
The Moral?
Dress up a hooker all you want, it won’t change the fact that she’s inherently evil and soulless, and will murder you for your shit.
Worst Cryptkeeper Joke?
“Poor Slyvia. Guess she heard the old saying ‘If looks could kill…’, so she did.”
C
Yay
You’re right, that one kind of sucks. At least it sucks in an amusing way. I generally liked when Crypt miscasts famous people. It’s got a sort of community theater vibe.
Thanks for calling out the carnival music murder scene, as it’s a vivid memory.
Quote:
| Originally Posted by Arjen Rudd View Post I generally liked when Crypt miscasts famous people. It’s got a sort of community theater vibe. |
That’s a perfect way of putting it. A lot of these episodes, especially those with the more notable directors, have a “lets get a bunch of my friends together and mess around and have fun” vibe.
I’m going to try to finish up the first season (only 2 more episodes) this week, and start on season 2 next week. I put off writing up “Only Sin Deep” for a long time because I wasn’t a fan of it and didn’t find it interesting on my first viewing, but writing this entry has re-sparked my love of the series.
Fucking brilliant Patrick (and Arjen). Keep them coming.
I just watched 5.03 yesterday and felt the need to gif a delightful, jaunty moment
Just FYI, you can find two packs of Seasons 1-2 and Seasons 3-4 at tARGET FOR 20 bucks. Not too shabby. I loved Easel Kill Ya. Hadn’t watched that since it first aired waaaaay back when. The special features on these sets leave a lot to be desired and the menus make me want to slit my wrists. Who thought having an almost static Cryptkeeper puppet making puns on a loop was a good idea? Woe unto the man or woman who falls asleep during an episode only to woken by those shit menus. I think they stopped them around season 4. Thank God.
The Cryptkeeper sequence used to terrify me. Just scare me half to death. I could never watch it in full until only recently, and even then it just unnerves me.
Several episodes have left a deep impression on me. This was the show I always wanted to stay up for. I recognize some of the episodes described by Patrick and Arjen…It’s amazing how lasting some of these episodes are.
In no particular order, the ones that stamped their impression on me:
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The 30 Days of Night one. Two (three?) dudes find out about some sort of treasure and attempt to fool a former Asian…army? chick into leading them to it. She double crosses them and feeds them to the vampires, because her blood is poison to them, so they’re good. I believe all the vampires were children too.
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Rock band, the leader singer? hates the girlfriend of on of the other players. He goes to this specialty tattoo place known for amazing designs, followed by an incredibly painful session, ends up with her face on a dragon on his chest? And then he beats her death. Or something. Didn’t it cause some stir about domestic violence?
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I think you mentioned this one with James Remar, but I’m not sure if it’s the right one. I remember a lot of the voodoo trappings, and I believe the priestess was in love with the main character who was in love with gorgeous woman. She dies somehow, he brings her back to life, and shenanigans occur.
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I think it’s Timothy Dalton as a murderous magician. Some trick with swords. Edit: It’s Billy Zane.
I think the Black Christmas? one that Patrick reviewed is probably one of the most iconic of the series. I just love me some good pulp.
Thanks boys for making this thread, it’s inspired me to look these up.
So which one of you guys are gonna watch the Tales from the Cryptkeeper cartoon?
Oops, accidentally posted. Not quite done with the write-up yet.
Sorry for the delay. Accidentally deleting that write-up I spent three hours on sucked up a lot of morale.
But I’m watching the original 1972 Tales From the Crypt film, which is whetting my appetite. And the first story in the film is the story the Zemeckis episode was based on! After all my research, how did I miss something so big?
Because you are a terrible person.
Lover Come Hack To Me (1.5)
What’s It About?
In the worst episode of the season, a bride kills her groom for the hell of it. That’s it.
Who’s Responsible For This Piece of Shit?
This episode is directed by Tom Holland, but it’s clear this is Tom Holland director of The Langoliers, not Tom Holland director of Child’s Play. Micheal McDowell, writer of Beetlejuice and The Nightmare before Christmas shit this teleplay out and the set decorator went on to decorate sets for Iron Man and Land of the Lost. Whoopdi Shit.
How Shitty Is It?
Plenty. Newlyweds Charles (a hunky gold-digger played by Stephen Shellen of Casual Sex? fame) and Peggy (a nebbish mousy type played by a pre-fame Amanda Plummer) get lost in a thunderstorm on their way to their honeymoon, partly because it’s dark and rainy and partly because Peggy is a woman and can’t read maps. When he goes out to lift a fallen tree in the middle in the road, he sees that there’s a big creepy abandoned mansion right in front of him. The geography of the scene doesn’t really work, but neither does Tom Holland anymore, so maybe there is justice in the world.
They go inside and the phones don’t work! And the lights don’t work! And the suspense doesn’t work either because it’s one of the worst shot episodes I’ve ever seen. The “mansion” looks about as big as a 2 bedroom in Pasadena. They go into the living room and see a fireplace with a Battle Ax hanging over it. Charles says that it reminds him of Peggy’s aunt because he’s the kind of character who has to remind you he’s an asshole with every line of dialog that comes out of his asshole mouth. Asshole Mouth would probably make a good episode of Tales From the Crypt, actually. Anyway, they’re drying their clothes by the fire, showing off Stephen Shellen’s excellent ass, when Peggy confronts Stephen, asking if he’s only really marrying her for her money. He uses the classic Saddam Hussein diversionary tactic of “Of course, I love you, let’s fuck!” and they go looking for a bedroom.
They head up to the bed and while Charles lights a number of candles that would make Tommy Wiseau blush, Peggy heads to the bathroom to transform from a nebbish little mouse into a sexy little mouse. You can’t hide that nose. By the way, this transformation includes one of my favorite movie cliches, the tracking shot of the panties sliding up the legs. I always love that little race between the camera and panties, you always hope the camera gets to the pussy first, but it never does. Anyway, she steps out all sexed up and rocks his world in one of the longest and most gratuitous sex scenes I’ve seen on television. I don’t need to tell you what it’s like because all you have to do is imagine every bad sex scene ever, and you have it (well, minus the shot of Antonio Bandereas’ spurs rolling across Selma Hayek’s ass). This fuckfest ends with a duel screaming orgasm that’s light on orgasm and very heavy on the screaming. Like “we’re pinned under a boulder near the top of the mountains, can anyone hear us oh God please help” screaming. They shatter the face of a grandfather clock fer chrissakes. They consumated the FUCK out of their marriage.
Charles wakes from his post-coitous nap and goes to the window to see his wife, now looking like the wife of an astronaut in the 60’s, totally macking on some other dude. They start fucking on the couch, not even acknowledging that he’s there! You don’t need an infinite spinning top to know this is a dream, but for some reason he doesn’t. After some couchfuckin’, the couple go to sleep, and Peggy slinks over to the fireplace, grabs the battle axe and chops him into bits, screaming that she “wants everything to stay perfect”. Charles realises he’s dreaming and wakes up. Then Peggy kills him with a battle axe, screaming that “she wants everything to stay perfect”.
The next morning Peggy waves to her aunt (who’s picking her up from the mansion for some reason) and says “oh it went so great” and it turns out that it’s a family tradition for the women to destroy their husbands with battle axes on their wedding night. To keep everything perfect.
Do It Hate Women?
Holy fuck did you read what I just wrote?
The Moral:
All women want to castrate you and ruin you and destroy your self in order to preserve the rotten institution of marriage.
Worst Cryptkeeper Joke
Other than the title, there’s actually no puns in this intro. He does employ alliteration with the phrase “Horror Hungry Humans”.
D-
What a fool I’ve been for not clicking on this thread before now. Great write ups Patrick & Arjen.
Patrick, I loved that.
Thinking of starting Season 4 around the end of the month.
Quote:
| Originally Posted by Patrick Ripoll View Post Charles (a hunky gold-digger played by Stephen Shellen of Casual Sex? fame) |
Ah, Stephen Shellen. Also of The Stepfather fame, where after spending 95% of the movie desperately trying to hunt down his sister’s murderer, he finally finds out where the killer lives, walks in the front door and promptly gets stabbed to death (O’Quinn’s send off line? "Next time, call before you drop by."
Fun reviews, by the way.
Quote:
| Originally Posted by Arjen Rudd View Post Patrick, I loved that. Thinking of starting Season 4 around the end of the month. |
I will definitely be done with the final episode of Season 1 by then. The last episode is probably my second favorite of the season, followed only by the Donner episode (Donner also does my favorite episode of season 2, the ventriloquist dummy episode starring Bobcat Goldthwait and Don Rickles.
Hey, Carly gave me seasons three and four for our anniversary! Very excited to read along with Arjen’s write-ups and see what I’ve been missing.
Collection Completed (1.6)
What’s It About?
A man having trouble adjusting to retired life takes up taxidermy, starting with his wife’s many beloved pets.
Who’s Responsible For It?
This pet-centric episode was directed by none other than Pet Semetary’s own Mary Lambert. The writing was accomplished by a three pronged attack by A. Whitney Brown (who wrote for SNL during the show’s second golden age, 1985-1990), Battle Davis (editor of Lethal Weapon 3 and Renaissance Man), and Randolph Davis (writer of the classic bad movie punchline, Police Academy: Mission to Moscow).
How Is It?
This episode, one of the best of the season, second only to Dig That Cat, He’s Real Gone, is an odd duck to say the least. Where a normal Tales From the Crypt episode features unlikable characters doing horrible things to each other, this episode features emotionally damaged characters hurting each other (mostly) accidentally. Where a normal episode of Tales From the Crypt trades in black humor and a morbid tone, the majority of this episode is sweet-hearted and almost cute. This sweetness is what I find most surprising, especially when you consider that the story has the potential to be one of the most mean and woman-hating episodes of the series.
In it, M. Emmet Walsh plays Jonas, a man who retires after 47 years of being a workaholic, with only a symbolic brass hammer to show for it. These 47 years of workahol abuse have taken a toll on both Jonas and his wife Anita (played by Audra Lindley of Three’s Company and Love Boat fame). It’s turned Jonas into the grouchy yet lovable curmudgeon character that only Walsh (and possibly Wilford Brimley) can create. Anita, meanwhile, has lost her mind, been transformed into a sad an lonely creature who puts all her displaced affection to the zoo of stray animals she keeps around the house. The retirement proves to be a lot to adjust to for both of them. Jonas has trouble slowing down and not doing something productive with his time. Their nosy neighbor Roy, in true sitcom form, keeps showing up unannounced and offering Jonas unwanted advice. He reccomends Jonas take up a hobby and suggests model airplanes. Jonas declines, partly because he believes “when you start to slow down you start to die” but mostly because he’s not a twelve year old boy from 1985. I think you have to wear Osh-Kosh to be into model planes.
Anita’s problems, however, are deeper than a bit of cabin fever. After 47 years of apparent emotional neglect, Anita has forgotten how to interact with anyone who isn’t covered in fur and appreciate a belly-rub, and while M. Emmet Walsh may love a good belly-rub every now and then, that man has a body hairless as a Ken Doll. With Jonas home all the time now, Anita interacts with him the only way she know how: as she would a pet. Anita’s treatment of her husband as a pet starts out simple. She comments on his bulldog looks, she feeds extravagant breakfasts of steak to her pets while Jonas gets stuck with corn flakes. But somewhere around the time she’s hiding aspirin in his food, Jonas snaps and decides that he SHOULD take up a hobby. He picks taxidermy, and any time someone starts picking the same hobbies as Norman Bates you know trouble is just around the corner and, what do you know, he starts taking aim at his wife’s beloved pets.
When Anita finds her beloved bulldog (also named Jonas, natch) stuffed with goofy electronic light up eyes in it’s sockets, it’s too much for her. And then she sees the basement, where the rest of her cherished menagerie are in various states of being tanned and mounted. Seeing her best friends, children, and confidants all dead and stuffed is too much for her, and she snaps and beats him to death with his big brass hammer. Later, wacky neighbor Roy stops by to say hi to the happy couple only to find this:
“Isn’t it nice he’s learned how to slow down and take it easy?” she says, and Roy does his best waterless spit take.
Do It Hate Women?
This is tricky. If you take it at face value, it appears to be a fairly sexist story about a woman who mistreats her husband and kills him so he can finally be subserviant but with Mary Lambert’s direction, on top of two excellent performances by Walsh and Lindley, really do make you feel for all the characters involved. While you feel for Walsh being treated like an animal, it’s obvious that Anita means well and is having trouble adjusting to the change. I think the sexual politics still may be a little iffy, but you never once feel the kind of awful disdain for Anita that the show normally has for other female characters.
The Moral:
Sometimes you just got to let her scratch your belly.
Worst Cryptkeeper Joke:
“I want to introduce you to my pet, Peeves. He has a terror tail all his own!”
A-
Oh yes. Great write up as usual.