I’m 21 years old, male, a virgin, and I’ve somehow gone through life NEVER having a girlfriend. I’ve had plenty of female friends, some I’ve been interested in, though. Well, and plenty of… alone time, if you get my meaning.
Anyway, I finally worked up the nerve to ask out one of these friends I’ve been interested in for a while a couple days ago. Amazingly, she didn’t immediately shut me down, saying that she’d have to think about it. Haven’t gotten an answer yet, but that’s mainly because I haven’t managed to talk to her alone (she’s a fellow student, and the area we hang out in usually has other friends of ours).
So, whether or not this works out, I wanted to solicit dating tips, as well as advice on just how to ask girls out, from my (vastly, if the “When a relationship ends” thread is anything to go by) more experienced friends here.
I’ve never exposed myself like this *rimshot* on any forum, so I’m a little apprehensive. Fire away!
Be confident. Everything else is quite literally secondary. Looks, finances, personality, interests, everything comes second to projecting an aura of confidence.
Will Smith said it right: assuming she says ‘yes’, she’s interested. It’s on you to not fuck it up. Don’t get caught up in your own insecurities and constantly go ‘Why is she here? What does she in me? Oh god, my elbows are on the table and I just ruined this entire night, gah, my life is over.’ They say ‘be yourself’, but that’s not entirely true, be yourself but make sure you have a filter inside and another guy making sure you don’t give off this air of nervousness. Girls know, man, they know. Too much all at once can be a turn off.
Also: listen. Two ears, one mouth, that whole thing. Keep the conversation focused on her and if you answer one of her questions, follow up with a question of your own on a related subject. Actually, that’s just good life advice, but doubly so when navigating the salty waters of dating.
The problem is, most people being “themselves” are weak and passive individuals. Being yourself means being your BEST self, not the weak guy who is afraid to ask girls out.
It helps to remember childhood. Most kids are fearless because they know nothing of consequences. When you grow up, consequences cause you to think too much, worry too much. All the guys I’ve known and seen get the most results with women/dating, they all have one thing in common: They don’t take it too seriously, they have a sense of fun, a sense of play, a joking manner, almost kid like and don’t worry about what people think of them or their actions.
I would say if you do go on a date, forget the fancy restaurant, go somewhere that will make you the most comfortable, make you almost kid like. An arcade, miniature golf, go karts, bike riding, bunji jumping. I think guys take dating way to seriously, which puts her in a serious manner, making it more difficult for you two to connect, because there is no fun involved.
I think before you even start dating you should work on yourself.
Learning how to be a relaxed & confident suitor when you’re naturally nervous or insecure requires skill & practice but it IS doable. Often times, for ANY nervous situation, I have to be an actor playing a role. I set a persona in front of me, consciously removed from the everyday insecure me, & step into it.
That’s all true, but whatever else you do, make sure she knows that you know more about silver age DC superheroes than she does at all times. Work it in as naturally as you’re able, but if she suspects for a minute that you don’t, shit’s over. This is 2012, after all.
I think this is key. Guys go out with a girl and are on edge because they think they still have something to prove, when in fact, you’ve got nothing to prove because you’ve already accomplished what you wanted. She said yes. Obviously she sees something in you and approves. You can only fuck that up, not make it better. So let her do most of the talking, let her prove herself to YOU now.
This. Also wear your best fedora and make sure to touch her hands a lot to show interest.
Non-comedy option: Give no fucks. You’re there to have fun, and if something happens something happens, if not, just be friends. But don’t be THAT GUY who pines over a girl while hoping that one day she will realize just what a catch he is and finally bang him. Most of us have been there and that’s just some sad shit. Lots of fish in the sea.
Be confident but more importantly be relaxed (I know it’s easier said than done) You’re an intelligent and witty guy and if you take anything from this, take Doc’s ‘Listen’.
Your ace in the hole is that you’re already friends, so you have common interests. Don’t get hung up on it being a ‘date’. Labelling it as such just adds pressure. Just two good looking people enjoying a coffee/drink/pizza.
When she agrees the date, that’s the hard part over. Then you just have to look forward to having a fun evening with a buddy.
Ambler nails it: go and DO something. A romantic dinner is great for couples celebrating an anniversary, but come on, the restaurant industry wouldn’t exist if there weren’t couples to serve and it’s all so very…cliche. Don’t be ‘just another guy’ on ‘just another date’. Plus, you’re 21! I like to assume the women you’re interested haven’t had the fun beaten out of them yet, so you can totally just go bowling or mini golfing and have a good time. Competition is a great way to keep the conversation going, and a good way to show you’re “confident”, in that ‘Oh! I can totally win!’ false braggadaccio us guys can be good at, and also a good sport when she “wins” (even if you don’t let her win, let her win). They’re fun, and most of all they’re active. You can still have the same conversation about all that boring stuff, but now nobody’s shoveling food down their throats.
This. Be prepared to walk away, but without anger or fears that you failed. It’s not always going to work, and if you sense it’s not working, resolve to just have fun in the moment, even if ultimately it won’t be love connection. It’s like science - even if you won’t ultimately prove your hypothesis at least you can have fun observing the experiment. If it starts to go wrong, don’t panic, don’t try to “fix” it – women can smell desperation. Just laugh about it. You’re 21 years old! You have a lot of time.
By far the most important advice ever. If she likes who you are, the relationship will go its course. The trouble for most people is becoming comfortable with themselves, and when they aren’t they try to latch on to someone else so they don’t have to confront themselves. Worst idea ever. Stay single until you figure out how to make yourself happy alone, then go adding in someone to the equation. If you can’t make yourself happy alone, someone else isn’t going to be the answer for happiness.
For God’s sake, listen to Jake. I wouldn’t have my current girlfriend if it weren’t for some sage advice he gave me a few years back. I even saved it:
*note: this is what he called me at the time, because I was too polite to correct the spelling error
**He subsequently worked with me to alter this to a precise mixture of rum, vermouth and foot hair to better reflect her very specific ethnic background, but the principle is sound
This is going to sound like weird advice coming from someone on this site but save the movie date until 3 or 4 in. Not to say your new lady friend is “The One” but you don’t get to know someone sitting in the dark not talking. And speaking of her place in the pantheon of women in your life, don’t be Cameron from Ferris Bueller’s Day Off.
Yeah, don’t do a movie. Go somewhere like an art exhibit or a museum or a street festival or something. A place with enough distractions that you don’t essentially just exchange names and then be like “welp see ya later”.
Also, I don’t know how you dress, but since this is a movie nerd website: make sure your clothes fit well, don’t wear any graphic tees/mom jeans, shave off the neckbeard if you have one, and for the love of god don’t wear a short-sleeved button-up shirt. Long sleeves only. And no fedoras or hats of any kind. I was totally kidding about the fedora thing earlier. Fuck hats.
Thanks a lot, gents. I should note that she has been in a couple romantic relationships in the past, both of which went south because the guys were total douchebags (and this isn’t just hearsay, I was a witness to the deterioration of the second, and the guy was indeed an ass). She has a lot of the same geek-type interests as our general group, so something fun would probably be more appropriate. I hadn’t even thought of bowling.
And yeah, I’m not under any illusions that this will be the only relationship I have. It’s just that after a long time, I think I’m finally ready to start testing the waters.
Also, if it any time it gets to “that” point, remember: her breasts are attached to her, so don’t tug and pull because they’re bouncy and new and awesome. Forewarned.
Dude, I’m dating at 35 and some of the best dates I have been on have been air hockey, ski ball, batting cages and the basketball games at the local arcade/go-cart track.
Learn how to cook instead of going out for dinner. I have a few recipes if you need some ideas.
As everyone’s mentioned, confidence is key and so is “just being yourself,” which can make things challenging if you’re a bit nebbishy. I’m a beta male to my very core. Just not an aggro guy at all. I think that’s why I’ve been attracting a certain type of woman of the past few years: the type that has wasted too much time on doucehbags and wants a change of pace. Then they eventually realized they’re happier with douchebags, but that’s a rant for a whole other thread.
If you’re shy and inexperienced with women, it’s going to be challenging to do everything right on the first date. So be prepared to make a couple of mistakes. Just don’t agonize over minor slip-ups. Things you should focus on are no-brainers: opening doors for her, offering to pay, telling her she looks nice These things go a long way towards demonstrating the fact that you’re a nice guy. Doucehbags don’t do this sort of thing. She’ll forgive you if you don’t like “Glee,” so long as you don’t leave her standing outside the passenger door of your car while you pile in on the other side.
When it comes to conversation, avoid topics like sex, politics and religion – the types of things that should stay out of polite conversation. At 21, these tend to be topics that you kids pretty much are only interested in talking about. But these are topics that should be reserved for a subsequent date, once you’ve gotten comfortable with each other. What’s important is to get her talking about her life, her hobbies, her interests, fun breezy topics where you can hopefully share common interests.
Also, see if there’s chemistry. The date is entirely about you impressing her. If you guys don’t click, if you don’t fall into a comfortable groove and feel like you’ve only been talking for 20 minutes when it’s actually been three hours, then it’s probably not a good match. It’s neither person’s fault. It’s just one of those things.
And whatever you do, no matter how many of your friends suggest it, stay the fuck away from Internet dating.