Best vintage Simpsons bits

TELEVISION Television Miscellany
1

Here are some:

  1. "But Aquaman, you cannot marry a human! you’re from two different weeeerrrrlllds!

Oh, I’ve wasted my life."

  1. Beekeeper 1: “Hmm, sure is quiet in here today.”

Beekeeper 2: “Yes, A LITTLE too quiet… if you know what I mean.”

Beekeeper 1: “I’m afraid I don’t.”

Beekeeper 2: “YOU SEE, BEES usually make a lot of noise… NO NOISE… suggests no bees.”

Beekeeper 1: “Oh look, there goes one.”

Beekeeper 2: “TO THE BEEMOBILE!”

Beekeeper 1: “You mean your Chevy?”

[PATENTED SIMPSONS PAUSE]

Beekeeper 2, looking down at the ground: “Yes.”

2

Homer explaining why his car was destroyed to the cops-

Cop: This Moe’s…what kind of establishment is this?

Homer: (Thinking) Don’t say bar, don’t say bar…(Out Loud) It’s a PORNOGRAPHY store! I was buying PORNOGRAPHY!

I’m always quoting that when I have to go to the porn section at work to put away tapes.

3

Lisa: Dad, did you know the Chinese have the same word for crisis and opportunity?

Homer: CRISATUNITY!

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Homer: God bless those pagens.

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Lionel Hutz: Let’s see you’re being tried for…MURDER ONE! Even if I lose I’ll be famous!

4

Bart on vacation in Morocco looking at a contortionist-
“I can do that, but I don’t wanna.”

5

Maude Flanders: They were having S E X in front of C-H-I-L-D-R-E-N.
Krusty: Sex Cauldron, I thought they closed that place down.

Hank Scorpio’s Volcaino Lair

Charles Bronson Guest Starring on the Andy Griffith Show “I’m going to Emmits Fixit Shop..To..Fix Emmit.”

Lisa: “Dad They Called me a PC Thug”
Homer: “Yeah, I’ve been called a Greesy Thug Too, the hurt never goes away.”

6

Hutz: “I move for a bad court thingy.”

Judge: “You mean a mistrial?”

Hutz: “Yeah! That’s why you’re the judge, and I’m the… law talking… guy.”

Judge: “The lawyer.”

Hutz: “Right.”

7

Can yer granfadda do dis?

DIHO DIDDIHEY DIDDIHO DIDDIHEY

8

HOMER: Oh Lord! Why hast thou forsaken me?

MARGE: Homer, that’s not God, that’s a waffle stuck to the ceiling.

HOMER: Mmm…sacrelicious.

***

Anything where something blows up for no apparent reason.

9

Creepy Shopkeeper: “The Hand is cursed.”

Homer: “That’s bad.”

Creepy Shopkeeper: “But it comes with a free frogurt.”

Homer: “That’s good.”

Creepy Shopkeeper: “The frogurt is also cursed.”

Homer: “That’s bad.”

Creepy Shopkeeper: “But it comes with your choice of toppings.”

Homer: “That’s good.”

Creepy Shopkeeper: “The toppings contain Potassium Benzoate.”

(Pause)

Whiny Homer: “Can I go now?”

Classic Simpsons banter.

10

“Lisa, I’d like to buy your rock.”

11

Quote:
Originally posted by Torn Labrum Creepy Shopkeeper: “The Hand is cursed.” Homer: “That’s bad.” Creepy Shopkeeper: “But it comes with a free frogurt.” Homer: “That’s good.” Creepy Shopkeeper: “The frogurt is also cursed.” Homer: “That’s bad.” Creepy Shopkeeper: “But is comes with your choice of toppings.” Homer: “That’s good.” Creepy Shopkeeper: “The toppings contain Potassium Benzoate.” (Pause) Whiny Homer: “Can I go now?” Classic Simpsons banter.

I believe they stole that for the end of the English dub of “Pokémon: Revalation Lugia”. Hee hee.

There were some good ones from the shorts, like when the kids try to swipe the money in the money jar and their consciences show up-
Lisa’s is normal
Maggie’s is normal, making suck suck noises
Bart’s, well, they’re both bad.

And all that’s left in the jar is a dollar. Wha wah waaaahhh

12

Next on Rock Bottom, we visit a sex farm for SEX hookers.

FARMER: I keep tellin’ yas, I just grow sourgum here!

REPORTER: So, where are the hookers?

FARMER: 'Round back…oops.

***

From the same episode:

Homer: You mean…I’m on my own? I’ve never been on my own! Oh no…on own…on own! I need help…oh, God, help me. Help me, God!
[phone rings, Homer answers it very slowly]

Homer: [very slowly] Y’ello?

Man: Hello, Homer. This is God…frey Jones from the TV magazine show “Rock Bottom”.

13

Kent Brockman: “Next up on Eye on Springfield, we meet a man who’s been hiccuping for the last fifteen years!”

Man: “Hic…kill me…hic…kill me…”

or

Burns: “Smithers, have the Rolling Stones killed.”

Smithers: “But sir, they weren’t the Rolling Stones, they were the Ram-”

Burns: “DO IT!”

or

Burns: “Sir, you’ve never met me before, but I’d just like to…ah, the baby who shot me.”

14

Some of these I’m a bit rusty on the exact wording:

Rex Banner: I know you’re out there beer baron. I’m gonna find you.
Homer’s faint voice from afar: No you won’t.
Rex: Yes. I. will.
Homer: ohh

Homer: I know Lenny and Carl are up to something so tonight I’m gonna follow them.
Marge: Homer no stalking, remember when you followed Charles Kuralt because you thought he dug up our rose garden?
Homer: well someone did.
Marge: NO STALKING.
Homer: Fine, well I’m just going to go… outside… to… stalk… Lenny… and.. Carl. DOH!

Bart: So is sharing and caring about others and whats all this crap I’m hearing about tolerance?
Homer: hmm, your ideas are intriging to me and I wish to subscribe to your newsletter.

Homer(reaching under the couch cushions): Oh 20 dollars? I wanted a peanut.
Homer’s Brain: 20 dollars can buy many peanuts.
Homer: explain how.
Homer’s Brain: Money can be exchanged for goods and services.
Homer: Woo Hoo!

Apu: I have come to make amends, sir. At first, I blamed you for squealing, but then I realized, it was I who wronged you. So I have come to work off my debt. I am at your service.
Homer: You’re…selling what, now?
Apu: I am selling only the concept of karmic realignment.
Homer: You can’t sell that! Karma can only be portioned out by the cosmos. [slams the door]
Apu: He’s got me there.

Homer: D’oh! The bee bit my bottom! Now my bottom’s big!

Lady: I hate it when the waffles stick together.
Guy: Stick together is what good waffles do!

Milhouse: Is this the untimely end of Milhouse?
Milhouse #2: But Milhouse is my name!
Milhouse: But I thought I was the only one!?
Milhouse #2: A pain I know all too well…
Milhouse: So this is what it feels like… when doves cry!

McBain: My eyes! The goggles do nothing!

Bart: I want my soul, and I want it now!
Homer: Bart! You didn’t finish your Spaghetti and Moeballs!
Homer’s Brain: Quiet you fool! It could be ours!
Homer(stuffing face with Bart’s food): Run boy! Run! Run for your life!

Milhouse: Hey Bart. Lisa’s skateboarding with some cool kids. And she looks like Blossom.
Bart: Lisa… with people!? If they’re impressed by her, I’m going to Bart their world. Okay Milhouse, you know the drill.
Milhouse: Right, you go over and wow them, I’ll hide in the shrubs!

Milhouse: How did it go? Are we down with them?
Bart: No. They must have seen you!
Milhouse(hangs head in shame)

Marge:Homer there’s a man here who can help you.
Homer:Batman?
Marge:No it’s not batman, it’s a scientists.
Homer:Batman was a scientists.
Marge:Homer it’s not batman!

Lisa(sarcastic): “Look at the wonders of technology now”
Homer: “Wonders Lisa, or blunders?”
Lisa: “I think what I said was implied”
Homer: “Implied Lisa, or implode?”

Homer: “When I was seventeen, I drank some very good beer…
I drank some very good beer… which I purchased with a fake I.D…
my name was Brian McGee… when I was seventeen…”

Radio: “… FDR is in the White House. An ice cream cone costs a nickel, and a hot new tune by Benny Goodman is hitting the charts. The year is 1939. (The music plays)”
Homer: “Nineteen … 1939! Oh, my God, I’ve gone back in time! I’ve got to warn everybody about Hitler – and get to the ice cream store!” (Lenny and Carl walk into Homer’s work area)
Lenny: “Hey, Homer, what’s all the hubbub?”
Carl: “Let me guess. You travel back in time again?”
Homer: “Shut up. You haven’t even been born yet.”

Homer: I give you complete permission to make me mad.
Lisa: Well, Mom just found out her wedding ring was made of Rock Candy
Homer: Oh Crap!
Bart: Well, I’m failing English, and the other day I felt a little attracted to Milhouse.
Homer: AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!

Homer: Oh No! If Marge marries Arty, I’ll never be born.

15

I sign off with the greatest Ralph Wiggum line of all time:

“I bent my wookiee.”

Second Best:

“Me fail English. That’s unpossible.”

Honorable mention:

“This tastes like Grandma.”

16

Your Bra Bomb better work, Nerdlinger!

I love you pepsi.

Don’t let Krusty’s death get you down, boy. People die
all the time. Just like that. Why, you could wake up dead tomorrow. Well, Goodnight.

MENDOZ-AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA!!

Starring Neil Patrick Harris as Bart Simpson: Where do you want it, SKINNER! *skinner spits in his face* BIG. MISTAKE.

SW-E-E-E-E-E-T Can

Attention, everyone: the punch has been spiked! Don’t worry, Your parents have been called and will be here to pick you up shortly! *college kids cheer*

Yeah, you’ve won this round, Dean…but the war isn’t over.

Homer: We played Dungeons & Dragons for three hours! Then I was slain by an elf.
Bart: Listen to yourself, man: you’re hangin’ with nerds.
Homer: You take that back!
Marge: Homer, please! These boys sound very nice, but they’re clearlynerds.
Homer: Really? But nerds are my mortal enemy!
Lisa: Dad, nerds are nothing to fear. In fact, they’ve done some
pretty memorable things. Some nerds of note include…popcorn
magnate Orville Redenbacher, rock star David Byrne, and supreme
court justice David Souter.
Homer: [gasp] Oh, not Souter! Oh, no!

Hell-oo! That sounds like a pig fainting!

17

For more transcendent wisdom, try this Ralph Wiggum soundboard:

http://www.unrealisticexpectations.c…ards/ralph.asp

18

Bart: “Lisa, you are, as they say in Latin, a dorkus malorkus .”

Lisa: “MOM! Bart’s fakin’ it!”

or

Marge: “Homer, have you been up all night eating cheese?”

Homer: “I think I’m blind.”

or

Bart: “My bones feel so brittle. I don’t understand. I always drink lots of…malk ?”

19

Lisa: Mom, romance is dead. It was acquired in a hostile takeover by Hallmark and Disney, homogenized and sold off piece by piece.

[Milhouse is watching over Bart’s warehouse]
Bart: Milhouse. You were supposed to be the night watchman.
Milhouse: I was watching. First it started falling over, then it fell over.
Bart: Wow, I wonder where all the rats are going to go…
[millions of rats run over to Moe’s]
Moe (offscreen): All right, everybody tuck your pants into your socks.

[George Washington appears in Lisa’s dream. Lisa wakes up yelling.]
Lisa: I want to help you, George Washington.
Bart: [walking by her room] “I want to help you… George Washington”? Man, even your dreams are square.

Homer: I saw this in a movie about a bus that had to SPEED around a city, keeping its SPEED over fifty, and if its SPEED dropped, it would explode. I think it was called, “The Bus That Couldn’t Slow Down.”

Homer: Here are your messages: “You have thirty minutes to move your car.” “You have ten minutes to move your car.” “Your car has been impounded.” “Your car has been crushed into a cube.” “You have thirty minutes to move your cube.”

Moe: Moe’s Tavern.
Bart: Uh, yes, I’m looking for a friend of mine. Last name Jass, first name Hugh.
Moe: Hold on, I’ll check. Hugh Jass. Hey, I want a Hugh Jass? Oh, somebody check the men’s room for a Hugh Jass.
Hugh: Uh, I’m Hugh Jass.
Moe: Telephone.
Hugh: Hello, this is Hugh Jass.
Bart: Uh, hi.
Hugh: Who’s this?
Bart: Bart Simpson.
Hugh: What can I do for you, Bart?
Bart: Uh, look, I’ll level with you, mister. This is a crank call that sorta back-fired, and I’d like to bail out right now.
Hugh: All right. Better luck next time.
[hangs up]
Hugh: What a nice young man.

20

Recruitment Commercial: “The US Navel Reserves, Americas 29th line of defense behind the League of Women Voters.”
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“yvanehtnioj”
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Homer: I’m the only man left on Earth, I can do anything I want…
Cut to Homer singing and dancing naked to “War what is it Good for…” in the church.
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Homer: I’m not normally a religious man, but if you’re up there, save me, Superman.
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Mulder: Mr. Simpson, we want you to recreate your every move the night you saw the alien.
Homer: The evening began at the gentlemen’s club, where we were discussing Wittgenstein over a game of backgammon.
Scully: Mr. Simpson, it’s a felony to lie to the FBI.
Homer: We were sitting in Barney’s car eating packets of mustard. Happy?
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Anytime they use that 70’s style police chase music
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Homer Chasing Down Ned and Family with the Put Put Golf Clubs T2 Style…
Maude:“Ned he’s gaining on us…Step on it.”
Ned:“I can’t it’s a Geo.”

Ahhhh the memories.